This great line from The Great Believers by Rebecca Makkai alludes to the main character’s exhaustion at his situation, a situation he couldn’t plan for and one that was out of his control. I can’t compare my life to the author’s characters, her story is brilliantly interwoven with the AIDS crisis in the 1980’s, but I can certainly relate to the metaphor.

Last week, while moving my website from one web-building platform to another, I absolutely felt as if everything was being squeezed right out of me. There is no better way to describe my exasperation.

Here’s how my self-inflicted torture played out: I signed up for a service for one month where I had unlimited phone support. The caveat? I could speak to an expert for only twenty-five minutes and then I had to hang up and call back to continue with another representative. Yes, I understood this before I paid the fee.

I’m a flexible, easy-going person and it sounded fine to me, until I experienced it. Each person I spoke to had a different way of addressing my issues. I couldn’t resolve anything in my allotted 25-minute call, and every time I called back, I reached new representatives with varying degrees of patience and communication skills. Each representative read the notes on my account and provided me with opposing suggestions.

After five calls, a slight tremor developed in my hands as I tapped on my keyboard, so overwhelmed, I started crying. My eyes pooled and I sniffled. Hearing the quiver in my voice, the representative suggested I enjoy my weekend and call back on Monday. Holding myself together for only two seconds, I hung up the phone, and lost it. I sobbed so loudly, hunched over my laptop, that my husband came from across the house to offer me a hug. Enveloped in his strong well-meaning arms, hysterics my shoulders heaved, tears and mucus slipped and dripped down my face. He gave me tissues, cracked a few vulgar jokes to make me laugh and then insisted I take a break. I listened.

Calling back on Monday, I calmly explained my concerns and apologized for the tears in my previous phone call. “Is that in the notes?” I laughed and asked. My representative reviewed my account and told me, “No, no, but I’m so sorry for what you experienced. We can do anything you want, it’s just a matter of finding a way to do it.” Finally, something I wanted to hear!

And so, I adapted. I reorganized my objectives so that I could accomplish items in short calls, and I was happy to tell more than one representative, “I know we can do it. We just have to figure out how.”

Now the website is almost perfect. I feel silly that I cried over my technology crisis. There are, of course, many real issues in the world for me to be maddened by (hello, coronavirus). And yet, my frustration couldn’t be quelled. In that moment, my feelings were very real and didn’t feel silly at all.

Lesson learned? I am not comfortable being at the mercy of others, especially when it comes to technology. Note to self: Take a break, reorganize, learn how to work the situation you’re in and never, ever give up. Thanks Rebecca Makkai, this is one great line! 

If you’d like to read more about The Great Believers click here.

If you’d like to read about me and why I started this blog click here.