Secrets are on my mind lately. Last month, an author contacted to write a profile for her debut novel. Her book (At the Seams, 2023) explores the secrets behind, and the impact of, a mysterious death in a family (profile to be published in literarymama.com in 2024). I enjoyed the book, but the weight of the story didn’t resonate with me until the universe began dropping secrets at my feet.

The day after I finished reading At the Seams, a friend called and shared a shocking family secret with me. A few days later  I read, “secrecy lives in the same rooms as loneliness,” in Abraham Verghese’s new book, The Covenant of Water. Obviously, the universe had a message for me about secrets.

Exposing Secrets

Even though I don’t have many secrets, I don’t post much on Facebook or Instagram. Snapchat is like a foreign language to me and I don’t even have TikTok. I am, however, fascinated by people who choose to share extremely personal things on these platforms. Posts about major life-altering events litter my Facebook feed. Divorce. Death of a child. Extra-marital affairs. Family estrangement.

These posts, sometimes anonymous, sometimes not, aren’t people just venting. These are people asking for advice and understanding—from strangers. And they usually garner hundreds of comments. Sadness and sympathy are  my first reactions to these kinds of posts. I wonder why the poster has no one in their lives to talk to. But now I see it differently. It takes great courage to pull a secret from its lonely room, so good for them! 

As usual, all this had me reflecting on myself.

Shhh, Don’t Tell Mom

My husband and two children have a group text titled, “shhh, don’t tell Mom.” They say it started about a present they were getting me, but it reminded me how un-secretive I am. I will tell anyone private details about my life (as evidenced in this blog).

My husband is the opposite. He doesn’t like people “knowing his business.” One of our first big fights might have been me telling my parents something about his health that I didn’t know I needed “permission” to discuss. He still gets annoyed if he hears me talking on the phone about him.

ME: “She’s my good friend. We talk every day. She asked what we were doing this weekend! And my mom asked where you were! Am I supposed to lie?”  

HIM: “Why do your friends need to know where I’m traveling? And no one needs to know I’m at the doctor’s office!”

I don’t understand the secrecy. He doesn’t understand why I’m talking about him. He thinks I over share. I think he under shares. He says there is a difference between secrecy and privacy—that I understand…a little.

This has been going on since we moved in together in 1997. Twenty-six years later, it seems we care about each other enough to respect our differing perspectives. No, he’s not thrilled I’m writing about this here. But who sleeps more soundly at night? I do. It turns out keeping secrets can be dangerous to our health. 

Mental Health Benefits

I recently asked my daughter to consider sitting with a problem without trying to solve it. Just accept the reality and explore what you may have to learn from it, I suggested. When I told my husband about our conversation, he looked at me like I had two heads and asked me how I’m so “zen.” I pointedly responded, “Maybe it’s because I don’t hold on to things. I share myself openly, let things go, turn my brain off at night and expect everything will be fine. You don’t do that.”

When we reveal a secret, we open ourselves to someone else’s perspective on an issue. This helps us can gain a sense of control over the situation and that’s healthy!

We also use a lot of brain power when we keep secrets. One study showed that we think about a secret three times more often than actively hiding it from others. Talking about our feelings calms our minds and can bring you a sense of peace and relief. Plus, it’s normal to think we are the only person experiencing pain inside and as soon as we share that pain, we realize we are not alone. Again, that’s healthy!

This idea of loneliness embedded in secrecy makes me think of the human desire to be seen and understood. Maybe that’s why I talk too much. I want to be understood and I want to understand others.

I appreciate my husband’s differentiation between secrecy and privacy. Perhaps he also appreciates the healthy lightness I have from living less privately. I hope my friend who shared her secret with me felt understood, cared about and less alone. Like the song goes, that’s what friends are for, right?

Thanks Abraham Verghese, this is one great line.

UPDATE: Here’s the interview referenced above – click here.

If you’d like to read more about The Covenant of Water, click here.

If you’d like to read about me, click here.