I’ve never read a Sally Hepworth novel and after thoroughly enjoying her most recent book, Mad Mabel, I think I need to check out her earlier work. This book is funny and sweet and sad and mysterious with plot twists I didn’t expect. But for me, the heart of the story was the importance of friendship. The line “friends are like oxygen,” struck me as the perfect description of just how vital human connection can be. We simply can’t survive without it. At least I can’t.

Extroverted Introvert

A new friend of mine recently introduced me to the term “extroverted introvert” as a description of personality. Yup, that’s me. I lean towards introversion but have good social skills. I prefer deep, meaningful connections in small groups over large parties, yet I’m warm and friendly in social settings, often mistaken for an extrovert. Still, when I look at my lifelong friendships, most began when an extroverted person reached out to me. I was never the one to call, plan or take the first step toward a friendship. But three years ago, I moved to a new area, and now, in my fifties, I’m learning to make new friends.  

It was so much easier when I was in school, had a job to go to or had kids in school. Those were built-in opportunities to make friends with common experiences bringing us together. Now, I’m out on my own, and it feels like the wild west.

Old Friends

When life throws me an unexpected challenge, I miss the comfort of walking next door to cry on my friend’s couch, a bottle of Kim Crawford Sauvignon Blanc in hand. I miss meeting for lunch and shopping and running errands with friends who watched my life evolve. Marriage, children, career changes, health scares—they were there for it all. I miss my book club, too, the group of women I met with every six weeks for almost twenty years. We met when our children were toddlers at the same pre-school and we read, gossiped and raised our children together.

All these people were my oxygen. They still are—I know I can drive the four hours and always have a place to stay, and they’re all just a phone call away. Staying connected isn’t so hard. I have one friend who I spoke with almost every day before I moved, and we still speak almost every day. Now that’s oxygen!

New Friends

It took me a year, but I helped start a book club in my new neighborhood. So different than my last book club, our ages range from mid-forties to mid-eighties, and we started with little in common other than our love of books. Still, I feel lucky to have found women who enjoy reading as much as I do. I’ve made new neighbor friends to walk with or borrow a “cup of sugar” from and meet for lunch. And I’m beginning to breathe in the oxygen of these friendships.

Last week, I had plans with two new friends. I also had a choice to make. Cancel, or show up and let them see a side of me I hadn’t yet revealed to any of my new friends—the inconsolable, emotional me. The one who can’t stop crying once she starts. The one thing I’ve always wished I could change about myself.

The night before, I texted them, “Hey just warning you I’m having an emotional time right now with a family issue and I’m not looking my best.”  I expected responses like, “If you’re not up to it, we can reschedule,” or “Don’t worry I’m sure you look great.” Instead, my new friends gave me the empathy and support I didn’t even know I needed to breathe.

They texted back, “Glad we can meet in person to talk,” and “That’s what girlfriends are for, we will cheer you up!”

I cried the moment my friend opened her door and wrapped me in a hug, but after more than three hours of noshing, chatting, and playing Rummikub, I left feeling lighter and stronger.

Taking Deep Breaths

That’s the power of finding people you connect with. People who share your values, people who you can learn from and people who are open to learning from you as well. I’m incredibly grateful for the oxygen these two amazing women provided for me, and I hope I can offer them the same in return.

I spent almost my whole adult life in the town where I grew up. Leaving that safe cocoon was scary, but I’ve surprised myself by challenging my extroverted introvert self to reach out and make new friends. It’s still terrifying and unfamiliar, but I’m doing it—and reaping in the rewards.

I’m learning that friendship doesn’t only begin in school, at work, or when my kids were little. It can begin at any age, in a book club, on a neighborhood walk, or with a simple invitation to get together. Sometimes, all it takes is being willing to show up and let someone get to know the real me. I’m also beginning to understand that making new friends isn’t just about finding people to share good times. It’s about finding the people who will sit with me through the hard ones, too.

Because friends really are like oxygen. And it turns out, even at this stage of life, there’s still room to breathe in a little more.

Thanks Sally Hepworth, this is one great line.

If you’d like to read more about Mad Mabel click here.

If you’d like to read about me, click here.