Serious, funny, relatable and unique—a perfect combination—I loved Alison Espach’s novel, The Wedding People. Phoebe, a recently divorced, depressed forty-year-old woman, offers this great line to a young, wealthy, self-centered bride-to-be who is obsessed with executing the perfect wedding. 

To me, this line is about acknowledging that we are ultimately responsible for our own well-being. That doesn’t mean we don’t thrive in emotionally supportive relationships—we do. Without the unwavering support of my husband, family and friends, my experience with cancer would have been tremendously different.

Can I Do This?

Even with all their support, there were things I needed to do on my own. Injecting myself daily with a blood thinner was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done. I faint at the sight of needles, so my husband offered to do it for me. But when he smiled and stood over me with my pants down and said, “ready, one, two, three,” I had my first panic attack.

With a heart drumming fast against my chest and unable to catch my breath, I pushed him away, and hobbled to my room. I stared at that shot on my nightstand for over thirty minutes. That’s how long it took me to calm down and give myself that damn shot. And then I locked myself in my room and stuck myself with that injection every day for twenty-six days. It was something I needed to do myself. That may not be the kind of taking care of yourself the character was talking about, but it made me think about the importance of balancing my reliance on others with my reliance on myself. Especially because I’m such a nurturer.

Nurture or Coddle?

Since they were born, my husband accuses me of coddling our children. I’m an “”over-nurturer” and he’s a “let them do it on their own,” guy.  I’m proud to say we have kids in their early twenties capable of thriving in school, paying their bills, preparing meals for themselves, and leaving the house in clean clothing. Yes, I help them with health appointments and other challenges—speeding tickets, car problems, recipes, and the never-ending challenge of how to remove stains from their clothing. But I think we’ve achieved a healthy balance that fuels our close relationships.

Reliance on others is good for us in so many ways. Sharing our burdens alleviates stress, fosters a sense of validation and empowerment, strengthens relationships, and improves mental health. But without a trust in our personal judgements and capabilities, we risk stifling personal growth and living a life aligned with values other than our own.

I’ve learned that taking care of myself, figuring out what makes me happy, doesn’t just happen—it’s work and I would not have understood that in my twenties. The character in this book yearns to marry and create the perfect day. I remember what it was like to think, “I will only be happy when…” It’s not that I was unhappy as a teen or a young adult, but there was an overlying impression in my head that I would be happiest when I married. Maybe it was the iconic romantic comedy films of the 80s and 90s and the television family dramas that I watched to obsession—that’s what happiness looked like to me.

Finding My Value

Today, I am happily married. But my happiness doesn’t have as much to do with my marriage as I thought it would, and that’s what I think this character is trying to tell her new friend. I need to feel valuable outside my marriage, my role as a mother, and even as a friend. I’ve only realized in the last few years that my happiness depends on my contribution to the world. After losing my job in 2020, I struggled to find my value and happiness. That journey has taught me how to take care of myself. It’s more than eating right and exercising. It’s figuring out how to get up every day and decide what my purpose is. No one can figure that out for me.

In the next few days, I have a huge decision to make about my future as a writer. I am terrified. I’m scared of failing and scared of succeeding. Although I appreciate the advice from authors gracious enough to speak with me, as well as the support of my family and friends, they can’t make the decision for me. I have to decide if this is the life I want, the risk I want to take and if I have the courage to move forward. I have to take care of myself. As I write this, I hear my sister’s voice in my head: “I don’t have to do anything—I get to.” How empowering! So here I go, I get to decide if this is truly the dream I want to follow.

I’ll let you all know what happens (and in the meantime, I hope you’re taking care of yourself, whatever that means to you).

Thanks Alison Espach, this is one great line. 

If you’d like to read more about The Wedding People click here.

If you’d like to read about me, click here.